another day, another long solitary day.
was awaken at 6:45am...the earliest I believe I have been awaken in a year. Not a good start.
You know, I'm tired of being alone. I want to embrace life fully, but it's hard some days. I feel punished for having a child. No friends, or if I do talk to someone, it's automatically assumed of what I can't do. No invites out, no hanging out. "Oh sorry, you have a kid, so you wouldn't want to hang out, etc" Empty promises, broken promises.
Maybe my son will have it better than I did.
I surely hope so.
Oh well, maybe one day I will be truly smiling, not forcing one.
*goes back to reading*
Thursday, April 11, 2013
Saturday, March 30, 2013
lips smeared with black lipstick
Crafting again.
Paper Mache
Need to keep cleaning. I want to finish the kitchen, but that has to wait.
Going back to reading
Friday, March 22, 2013
Monday, March 18, 2013
Not one pink sugar drop
Rainy day today. Cold.
Spent yesterday spreading flower seeds, most perennials and Texas wildflowers sent to me. Herbs and vegetables are next. I began herbs inside on the back window sills. I lean towards the do nothing way, allowing nature to work her wondrous magic without my interference. It does work and I get a lovely forest jungle instead of boring, straitlaced grass and fences. I will have third year grapes this year. I have a new grapevine as well, so I do hope to have a good 15 years of grapes from the three different vines. I also have a sprawling strawberry patch, mixed in with various herbs. I cannot wait for the entire front to be covered. It will be magic walking barefoot.
Slowly patching my hoodie with randomly cut fabrics of black, red, some white.
I plan to half bury some glass wine bottles in the front to place candles in during the spring/summer. I plan to fill each bottle with an array of items, including glass, rocks, beads, anything that will reflect the candle light. Did I mention my neighborhood finds me strange?
I would love to make both an artificial and a real faery ring for the outside.
I still have no ideal what I would like to do with the back fenced in driveway. Any ideals?
Spent yesterday spreading flower seeds, most perennials and Texas wildflowers sent to me. Herbs and vegetables are next. I began herbs inside on the back window sills. I lean towards the do nothing way, allowing nature to work her wondrous magic without my interference. It does work and I get a lovely forest jungle instead of boring, straitlaced grass and fences. I will have third year grapes this year. I have a new grapevine as well, so I do hope to have a good 15 years of grapes from the three different vines. I also have a sprawling strawberry patch, mixed in with various herbs. I cannot wait for the entire front to be covered. It will be magic walking barefoot.
Slowly patching my hoodie with randomly cut fabrics of black, red, some white.
I plan to half bury some glass wine bottles in the front to place candles in during the spring/summer. I plan to fill each bottle with an array of items, including glass, rocks, beads, anything that will reflect the candle light. Did I mention my neighborhood finds me strange?
I would love to make both an artificial and a real faery ring for the outside.
I still have no ideal what I would like to do with the back fenced in driveway. Any ideals?
Sunday, March 10, 2013
Once cheerful wreck of a room
Ah..life.
Been on a better track. Rearranging and deleting. Rid myself of a truckload of my past and current burdens.
Looking forward to spring. Planting a garden and flowers, letting the wild side creep in. I tire of neatly arranged.
Tire of seeing unhappy people doing all they can to keep you in the mud with them. Nothing wrong with being unhappy when it's needed, but no need to force others to not live because you aren't.
As another day comes to an end, I look forward to a blissfully night of activity.
Been on a better track. Rearranging and deleting. Rid myself of a truckload of my past and current burdens.
Looking forward to spring. Planting a garden and flowers, letting the wild side creep in. I tire of neatly arranged.
Tire of seeing unhappy people doing all they can to keep you in the mud with them. Nothing wrong with being unhappy when it's needed, but no need to force others to not live because you aren't.
As another day comes to an end, I look forward to a blissfully night of activity.
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Unasked for
Ever have something happen to you, something pretty cool, maybe even a bit spooky? that feeling you get, maybe a bit of enchantment, a bit of wonder? You might mention it to someone, maybe write it down. Maybe it makes you smile a bit more.
Now, have you experienced someone who decides, whether or not you asked for it, to tell you why it wasn't "magical" or why it happen or tell you why you shouldn't believe in anything mystical, etc.
You know, I really could care less at times. I don't always care about finding the "real" answer. Sometimes, I need a little bit a wonder to get through a tough time, just to make it through another day. I could less how supposedly immature that makes me. So what if you don't believe in anything? Good for you. Do what whatever you want to. But that does not mean YOU get to tell me how I am allow to be. I am NOT in any way hurting you by having some belief in some kind of magic. People complain about how children today have no childhood, no beliefs, so cynical, so angry. Ever think that people who think it's their personal duty to tell anyone and everyone what they are allowed to believe might have something to do with it?
I may not be all like "OO faeries in the garden wooooo" (ok some days I just am).. but there are days when I see a cool shaped cloud or get a email at just the right moment that makes me smile. And you know what? You can't take that away.
Now, have you experienced someone who decides, whether or not you asked for it, to tell you why it wasn't "magical" or why it happen or tell you why you shouldn't believe in anything mystical, etc.
You know, I really could care less at times. I don't always care about finding the "real" answer. Sometimes, I need a little bit a wonder to get through a tough time, just to make it through another day. I could less how supposedly immature that makes me. So what if you don't believe in anything? Good for you. Do what whatever you want to. But that does not mean YOU get to tell me how I am allow to be. I am NOT in any way hurting you by having some belief in some kind of magic. People complain about how children today have no childhood, no beliefs, so cynical, so angry. Ever think that people who think it's their personal duty to tell anyone and everyone what they are allowed to believe might have something to do with it?
I may not be all like "OO faeries in the garden wooooo" (ok some days I just am).. but there are days when I see a cool shaped cloud or get a email at just the right moment that makes me smile. And you know what? You can't take that away.
Friday, February 1, 2013
12:06am
Another day
Mentally doing alright. I have been cleaning, getting ready for donations, trying to make room in the house
Looking forward to making my bohemian recluse cave a bit more...well..awesome.
I have not had caffeine is over three weeks, which is great. I have not had soda in two day.. any at all. I feel much better now.
Even with the solitude, I believe I have been improving, feeling more hopeful. I look forward to each day without feeling empty.
Writing more, starting crafting again.
Life looks pretty great.
Mentally doing alright. I have been cleaning, getting ready for donations, trying to make room in the house
Looking forward to making my bohemian recluse cave a bit more...well..awesome.
I have not had caffeine is over three weeks, which is great. I have not had soda in two day.. any at all. I feel much better now.
Even with the solitude, I believe I have been improving, feeling more hopeful. I look forward to each day without feeling empty.
Writing more, starting crafting again.
Life looks pretty great.
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