Sometimes I wish I could be like the people who can live on one paycheck and save the rest, the people who have friends and parents who can house them, give them land, allow them the freedom to be whoever they are.
I wish I could be like them. Maybe I could be a bit more happier. Maybe if I was older, and had a established career, I could have that.
But I don't.
I don't have the family and friends with extra space and land. Shoot, I don't even have friends who think I'm cool enough to hang out with. One day.
I don't like where I am at in life, but yet I had to admit I'm at the mercy of life right now. There isn't much I can do that won't effect me in a huge way. I can work, but i would involve expensive day care, little time for chores and cooking, and most of that cash would go right back out the door. Whether we want to admit it or not, having two incomes with a family isn't always going to be the best idea.
If I know all these things, why do I seemingly punish myself by reading blogs of people who claim to be poor, but have many luxuries, or friends willingly to bail them out at a notice moment or massive savings after 30 years old work?
oh well.
Sunday, March 30, 2014
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
Darknes of Spring
I haven't been here in a bit.
Not much has changed.
Still alone, still the backup friend.
No matter how often I dump my soul, there is no benefit from that and It just seems to make things worse. I suppose I should be okay with that..but I'm not.
Not much has changed.
Still alone, still the backup friend.
No matter how often I dump my soul, there is no benefit from that and It just seems to make things worse. I suppose I should be okay with that..but I'm not.
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
Rhinestones in the sludge
Freezing rain and wind last night and today. Hopefully snow soon.
Researching seeds, candlemaking and weird home interiors. Even some eccentric gardens. This solitude is doing great.
Sunday, November 24, 2013
Individual bright or dark glory
Long time no writing. Well, I have been writing, just not on this blog.
I am useless as a friend. No matter how much I try to stay in communication with others, somehow, in some way, I mess up. I have been to my one of my friend's house on numerous occasions, for hours at a time, even overnight, yet this person has been to be home for less than 3 hours total. Even when I lived down the street literally, I was often over there, never at mine. I feel like there is something about me that just makes friendship not work out. Ever since I had a child, it has been even worse. I just feel as if friendship isn't for me and I am learning to be okay with that. I have in a way given up on going out, movie nights with friend, even just walks around town. My immediate family, my husband and son. are probably going to be the only people who won't just walk out, or maybe that won't be true.
I suppose I am doing all I can to learn to just..be alone.
Thursday, August 8, 2013
Strangely Enough
The last few weeks have been..up and down, left and right..circles..etc.
Ander's brother came for a week. It was one of those weeks where you just can't wait for it to end. We always were under the belief that his youngest brother was similiar to him, wanting to explore life, wanting to do more than just be the perfect child, following parent's wishes for careers and whatnot.
Not the case at all.
He had interest in leaving home (he is almost 25). He was perfectly fine with following his parent's set path for him except if someone he wanted to impress said something. Then it was different. He also refused to do anything on his own, at all. If you know me at all, you will get that I'm introverted. I'm not huge on just going out all the time. Plus, I like to work my art and writing. With Marius it is hard to just go out since I have to get him ready and pay more attention to keeping him relatively safe. So, brother would get upset at me since I didn't want to go out and ride around and eat at fast food restaurants. Oh didn't mention that. He only wanted to eat at Burger King, Wendys and Dunkin Donuts. See, I cook to save money and calories. And he ate the heaviest things and drank those super thick milkshakes, probably eating close to 800-1300 calories per visit. So, on Sunday, the last full day of his visit, ended up hanging out with Chris, who is just as outspoken as I am, if not more so. He knew about this visit and wanted to meet him. Okay. So, brother wanted to go to the mall. Remember me mentioning how he didn't want to do anything himself? He had ALL week to go to stores and stuff but since Anders works, (which he let him know before he came) and couldn't go with him, he waited until the last day and try to squeeze all these trips in. Orginal plan was the beach, which we said probably wouldn't work since it was suppose to rain (which is did..in torrents) and besides he decided to sleep until 1pm and then pout because of the rain. Like I said long week. At the mall, he refused to go to the stores because we didn't want to go in them all, as if he can't walk into the store alone. Me trying to contain Marius in a busy place, he would get frustrated that I wasn't moving as fast and then get mad at me for not letting Marius walk on his own. Yeah, exactly. At this small cafe, he wanted a coffee, and I swear the cashier was going to slug him since she was alone and he wanted her to let him taste test all these drinks. I think she should have personally. 20 wasted minutes later..he's got his drink and still complaining. Moving on.. so next stop was game stop, which was one the other side. And then the.."The Mall will be closing in 20 minutes" came on. Here is the funny part. We tell him..run ahead of us so you can get to the store and get what you wanted to get. He starts walking, looking back and stops. I nearly scream at him. "Will you GO ahead? since he seems to NOT get that the mall is closing and the store he wants is just a few feet ahead. I had to say to him three times to go to the store before he finally went. And then he started having some random conversation with the clerk who was trying to get the last few customers what they needed.
Outside,,Chris is talking about going to hometown buffet. Brother wanted to go to Friendlys. Anders, Chris and I aren't big on friendlys. Hometown was less than a mile away and offered more food at the same price. of course brother pouted and sulked, so Chris says, "You had all week to go to friendlys'. It's down the street from where they live" I even told him that he could go to Friendlys and we would go to hometown, since if we were going to pay $12 or so a person, might as well do a buffet. So finally we go, in two separate cars to Hometown. After paying $9 a person (coupons!), what did this brother of his do? Act like a spoiled child. He got a plate of food and literally took 2 bites and said "My stomach feels funny" Yes..he wasted a whole plate of food (good food at that) because he had a tantrum. He did that all week actually. He wasted food continuously. He threw away Japanese food a friend ordered, 3/4 of a stromboli,..i HATE food wasters..i really do.
Oh..and the friendlys he wanted to go to so bad? Him and Anders go to the next morning. He ordered their milkshake that is about 1200 calories alone, drinks it all. Orders all this food..and yes..doesn't eat much of it. Like seriously. All that noise and still wasted food and money.
gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
So after that week, things were discussed in the house. Anders has to come to grips that his family isn't what he believed on any level. His middle brother had gotten married that week and his parents pulled out all the stops for them. Why not? They now got their white, middle class daughter in law. While they pretend that they didn't, they said and did whatever they could to keep us apart. We got married at the courthouse, i.e eloped in a sense.
okay....feeling better since I ranted...
moving on
-working on handpainted watercolor tye dye stickers
-handsewen fabric hearts
-painting all the walls in the house
-writing daily
-becoming even more of an eccentric bohemian
Ander's brother came for a week. It was one of those weeks where you just can't wait for it to end. We always were under the belief that his youngest brother was similiar to him, wanting to explore life, wanting to do more than just be the perfect child, following parent's wishes for careers and whatnot.
Not the case at all.
He had interest in leaving home (he is almost 25). He was perfectly fine with following his parent's set path for him except if someone he wanted to impress said something. Then it was different. He also refused to do anything on his own, at all. If you know me at all, you will get that I'm introverted. I'm not huge on just going out all the time. Plus, I like to work my art and writing. With Marius it is hard to just go out since I have to get him ready and pay more attention to keeping him relatively safe. So, brother would get upset at me since I didn't want to go out and ride around and eat at fast food restaurants. Oh didn't mention that. He only wanted to eat at Burger King, Wendys and Dunkin Donuts. See, I cook to save money and calories. And he ate the heaviest things and drank those super thick milkshakes, probably eating close to 800-1300 calories per visit. So, on Sunday, the last full day of his visit, ended up hanging out with Chris, who is just as outspoken as I am, if not more so. He knew about this visit and wanted to meet him. Okay. So, brother wanted to go to the mall. Remember me mentioning how he didn't want to do anything himself? He had ALL week to go to stores and stuff but since Anders works, (which he let him know before he came) and couldn't go with him, he waited until the last day and try to squeeze all these trips in. Orginal plan was the beach, which we said probably wouldn't work since it was suppose to rain (which is did..in torrents) and besides he decided to sleep until 1pm and then pout because of the rain. Like I said long week. At the mall, he refused to go to the stores because we didn't want to go in them all, as if he can't walk into the store alone. Me trying to contain Marius in a busy place, he would get frustrated that I wasn't moving as fast and then get mad at me for not letting Marius walk on his own. Yeah, exactly. At this small cafe, he wanted a coffee, and I swear the cashier was going to slug him since she was alone and he wanted her to let him taste test all these drinks. I think she should have personally. 20 wasted minutes later..he's got his drink and still complaining. Moving on.. so next stop was game stop, which was one the other side. And then the.."The Mall will be closing in 20 minutes" came on. Here is the funny part. We tell him..run ahead of us so you can get to the store and get what you wanted to get. He starts walking, looking back and stops. I nearly scream at him. "Will you GO ahead? since he seems to NOT get that the mall is closing and the store he wants is just a few feet ahead. I had to say to him three times to go to the store before he finally went. And then he started having some random conversation with the clerk who was trying to get the last few customers what they needed.
Outside,,Chris is talking about going to hometown buffet. Brother wanted to go to Friendlys. Anders, Chris and I aren't big on friendlys. Hometown was less than a mile away and offered more food at the same price. of course brother pouted and sulked, so Chris says, "You had all week to go to friendlys'. It's down the street from where they live" I even told him that he could go to Friendlys and we would go to hometown, since if we were going to pay $12 or so a person, might as well do a buffet. So finally we go, in two separate cars to Hometown. After paying $9 a person (coupons!), what did this brother of his do? Act like a spoiled child. He got a plate of food and literally took 2 bites and said "My stomach feels funny" Yes..he wasted a whole plate of food (good food at that) because he had a tantrum. He did that all week actually. He wasted food continuously. He threw away Japanese food a friend ordered, 3/4 of a stromboli,..i HATE food wasters..i really do.
Oh..and the friendlys he wanted to go to so bad? Him and Anders go to the next morning. He ordered their milkshake that is about 1200 calories alone, drinks it all. Orders all this food..and yes..doesn't eat much of it. Like seriously. All that noise and still wasted food and money.
gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
So after that week, things were discussed in the house. Anders has to come to grips that his family isn't what he believed on any level. His middle brother had gotten married that week and his parents pulled out all the stops for them. Why not? They now got their white, middle class daughter in law. While they pretend that they didn't, they said and did whatever they could to keep us apart. We got married at the courthouse, i.e eloped in a sense.
okay....feeling better since I ranted...
moving on
-working on handpainted watercolor tye dye stickers
-handsewen fabric hearts
-painting all the walls in the house
-writing daily
-becoming even more of an eccentric bohemian
Friday, July 19, 2013
Morning in this new world
We laid naked on a golden cloud, painting the trees with metallic watercolors
We floated with glass wings, dipping our rainbow toes into seas of mermaids
We picked flowers of passions, sharing candy coated sugar hugs
We lived forever encased in a swirl, entwining our hearts on the beams of the moon
We floated with glass wings, dipping our rainbow toes into seas of mermaids
We picked flowers of passions, sharing candy coated sugar hugs
We lived forever encased in a swirl, entwining our hearts on the beams of the moon
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
Magic shadows
He loves to wrap cloth around him. Silk probably feels excellent against his skin. I'm so amazed at how these came out. Nothing fancy. Just a cell phone camera, which I have to use for all my photos now since I don't have a camera.
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