Weird (Serious Post)

I had sort of of a emotional break earlier today.
I just needed to release. I think it helped.

The Issue:
After a while, I realize that I'm often alone. People constantly cancel their prearranged time with me, usually making plans with me first and then canceling when something else comes up, citing a reason that usually makes me feel as if, well, I'm not really important on any level in their life. I'm not sure how to feel about that. I understand emergencies (things like that do happen), but being canceled for a TV show, drugs, a phone call, etc, I'm not sure how I feel then. There have been times when someone cancels/not show up and actually have put up photos on their FB of them hanging out with other people on that same night. I suppose they forgot that I was on their friend's list. I don't know if I should laugh or be upset, usually upset. I have friends/family go right past my house to visit other people, being literally 5 minutes down the street, or in a few cases actually call me up for directions to someone's house while lamenting on the phone on how "We never hang out" and then I don't get to hear from them for months at a time. I have people call/text me to help them with problems, house them, work with them through problems, calls past midnights, and so forth. I always wanted to be there for people. My downfall, I suppose. It just, well, seems one sided to me. When we moved in, we did seem to have bribe people to help. I think we spent more cash on feeding and drinking them in 6 hours then we did on the remaining 4 days it took to move. My husband, Redbull (not his real name of course) ended up having to move the rest of the house, reason why it took 4 days. He missed 2 days of work unfortunately, but you know, it got done. Someone asked me why I didn't throw a house warming party. Actually we did. 3 people showed up, stayed less than a hour and left. 2 more showed up after Redbull and I cleaned up and settled in for the night. It was nice since I haven't seen the first 3 people since I moved in. Since getting pregnant, people have avoided me even more. It wouldn't be so bad if people actually asked me how I felt rather than just assume I don't want to be around people. I actually want to be around people. I get tired of being so alone. Probably sound like an angsty teen by now. But, you know, after a while, these things build up inside.

The Effect
Like I said, emotional break. The anger I felt as feeling as if people who see me a friend really didn't see me as anyone other than someone they could use for whatever they wanted. Its okay to use my house a free hotel (staying with me, but saying they were going to hang with their friends, cause I'm not a friend, you know) for example. It's hard for me to say no, I'll admit that. Maybe I should work on that. The hurt feeling that i can't turn to my friends if I need help because 98% of the time they won't respond or are too busy. It's hard to watch these same friends go out of their way for others, offering to spend the night with other friends when they are down, take them out for dessert to talk, even just for a drive to clear their head, documenting these adventures even. Kind of makes me feel as if I absolutely suck at life and not worth devoting time to.

What I'm afraid of:
Becoming so bitter that I hate the world. I want to smile. I want to keep being there for people. It's getting harder though. I know one isn't suppose to be "rewarded". I'm not asking for that. a thank you would be nice or at least some kind of response when I ask for help. Actually, i realize that I'm getting afraid to ask for help because I know it won't come.

So what do I do?
In all honestly, I don't know. Another friend just canceled a get together that was schedule first on Wednesday, then Monday. that's a new one for me, twice in one day. Both times because someone else wanted/needed them after she made plans with me. After the emotional release, I just took it in stride. Should I just accept this as what life will be like? Should I continue to stay friends with these people? Is this going to make me stronger? It's not easy to find new friends. I don't drink, not into drugs, don't have a car and I don't really have a lot of money.

Something else:
I don't get to see my family too often. they think I'm weird. i rarely see my cousins children, even my own nieces and nephew. there are family members that I haven't even met yet (children of cousins usually). They think I'm too weird to expose their children to. I don't understand why I'm weird to them. By society's view, I'm doing pretty good. I've been married for almost 10 years now, been with the same guy for 12, first child, got a house, no police record, no drugs/drinking, things like that. the few times I've seen the children in my family usually come from 'well, no one else can watch them, so i guess you'll do" last minute things, or "Can we borrow X amount of money from you until payday (I don't think I've ever once been repaid and i can honestly say often we give money to people that we really can't spare, but we do it anyways. Another downfall). I don't ask for money from my family, like most of my cousins/siblings do (no, really, they ask for money a lot). I asked only once and was literally laughed at. It was for an educational reason, which I have since kind of given up on (I hope to get it back soon one day). When we got this place, I didn't ask for any help from family. My family goes past my house to visit other members (sounds familiar). I get "teased", but they insist that they don't do it in a mean way. Can't say that it doesn't seem that way. I don't know why I'm so outcasted. I don't want my child to be seen that way.

Writing this all down helps too. I feel like I told someone who wasn't going to immediately hate me for pouring out my heart. I'm gonna read STARGIRL and hopefully feel slightly better about myself.