Rhinestones in the sludge

Some days, when I don't know what to do. I do things like this. Hippie caps. Painted with a tiny brush and toothpick. I have no ideal what to do with them. I'll think of something.

Freezing rain and wind last night and today. Hopefully snow soon.

Researching seeds, candlemaking and weird home interiors. Even some eccentric gardens.  This solitude is doing great.

Individual bright or dark glory

Long time no writing. Well, I have been writing, just not on this blog.

I am useless as a friend. No matter how much I try to stay in communication with others, somehow, in some way, I mess up. I have been to my one of my friend's house on numerous occasions, for hours at a time, even overnight, yet this person has been to be home for less than 3 hours total. Even when I lived down the street literally, I was often over there, never at mine. I feel like there is something about me that just makes friendship not work out. Ever since I had a child, it has been even worse. I just feel as if friendship isn't for me and I am learning to be okay with that. I have in a way given up on going out, movie nights with friend, even just walks around town. My immediate family, my husband and son. are probably going to be the only people who won't just walk out, or maybe that won't be true.

I suppose I am doing all I can to learn to just..be alone.

Strangely Enough

The last few weeks have been..up and down, left and right..circles..etc.

Ander's brother came for a week. It was one of those weeks where you just can't wait for it to end. We always were under the belief that his youngest brother was similiar to him, wanting to explore life, wanting to do more than just be the perfect child, following parent's wishes for careers and whatnot.

Not the case at all.

He had interest in leaving home (he is almost 25). He was perfectly fine with following his parent's set path for him except if someone he wanted to impress said something. Then it was different. He also refused to do anything on his own, at all. If you know me at all, you will get that I'm introverted. I'm not huge on just going out all the time. Plus, I like to work my art and writing. With Marius it is hard to just go out since I have to get him ready and pay more attention to keeping him relatively safe. So, brother would get upset at me since I didn't want to go out and ride around and eat at fast food restaurants. Oh didn't mention that. He only wanted to eat at Burger King, Wendys and Dunkin Donuts. See, I cook to save money and calories. And he ate the heaviest things and drank those super thick milkshakes, probably eating close to 800-1300 calories per visit. So, on Sunday, the last full day of his visit, ended up hanging out with Chris, who is just as outspoken as I am, if not more so. He knew about this visit and wanted to meet him. Okay. So, brother wanted to go to the mall. Remember me mentioning how he didn't want to do anything himself? He had ALL week to go to stores and stuff but since Anders works,  (which he let him know before he came) and couldn't go with him, he waited until the last day and try to squeeze all these trips in. Orginal plan was the beach, which we said probably wouldn't work since it was suppose to rain (which is did..in torrents) and besides he decided to sleep until 1pm and then pout because of the rain. Like I said long week. At the mall, he refused to go to the stores because we didn't want to go in them all, as if he can't walk into the store alone. Me trying to contain Marius in a busy place, he would get frustrated that I wasn't moving as fast and then get mad at me for not letting Marius walk on his own. Yeah, exactly. At this small cafe, he wanted a coffee, and I swear the cashier was going to slug him since she was alone and he wanted her to let him taste test all these drinks. I think she should have personally. 20 wasted minutes later..he's got his drink and still complaining. Moving on.. so next stop was game stop, which was one the other side. And then the.."The Mall will be closing in 20 minutes" came on. Here is the funny part. We tell him..run ahead of us so you can get to the store and get what you wanted to get. He starts walking, looking back and stops. I nearly scream at him. "Will you GO ahead? since he seems to NOT get that the mall is closing and the store he wants is just a few feet ahead. I had to say to him three times to go to the store before he finally went. And then he started having some random conversation with the clerk who was trying to get the last few customers what they needed.
Outside,,Chris is talking about going to hometown buffet. Brother wanted to go to Friendlys. Anders, Chris and I aren't big on friendlys. Hometown was less than a mile away and offered more food at the same price. of course brother pouted and sulked, so Chris says, "You had all week to go to friendlys'. It's down the street from where they live" I even told him that he could go to Friendlys  and we would go to hometown, since if we were going to pay $12 or so a person, might as well do a buffet.  So finally we go, in two separate cars to Hometown. After paying $9 a person (coupons!), what did this brother of his do? Act like a spoiled child. He got a plate of food and literally took 2 bites and said "My stomach feels funny" Yes..he wasted a whole plate of food (good food at that) because he had a tantrum. He did that all week actually. He wasted food continuously. He threw away Japanese food a friend ordered, 3/4 of a stromboli,..i HATE food wasters..i really do.
Oh..and the friendlys he wanted to go to so bad? Him and Anders go to the next morning. He ordered their milkshake that is about 1200 calories alone, drinks it all. Orders all this food..and yes..doesn't eat much of it. Like seriously. All that noise and still wasted food and money.

gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

So after that week, things were discussed in the house. Anders has to come to grips that his family isn't what he believed on any level. His middle brother had gotten married that week and his parents pulled out all the stops for them. Why not? They now got their white, middle class daughter in law. While they pretend that they didn't, they said and did whatever they could to keep us apart. We got married at the courthouse, i.e eloped in a sense.

okay....feeling better since I ranted...

moving on
-working on handpainted watercolor tye dye stickers
-handsewen fabric hearts
-painting all the walls in the house
-writing daily
-becoming even more of an eccentric bohemian

Morning in this new world

We laid naked on a golden cloud, painting the trees with metallic watercolors
We floated with glass wings, dipping our rainbow toes into seas of mermaids
We picked flowers of passions, sharing candy coated sugar hugs
We lived forever encased in a swirl, entwining our hearts on the beams of the moon

Magic shadows

He loves to wrap cloth around him. Silk probably feels excellent against his skin. I'm so amazed at how these came out. Nothing fancy. Just a cell phone camera, which I have to use for all my photos now since I don't have a camera.

Once Known as

My living room at morning and at night. Blackout curtains keep out the sunlight, which is good on these sweltering days. The sun is on the other side of house until around noon. It's refreshingly cooler in the house with these curtains. 

Not much else is new. I had my birthday. I didn't get to do much. Did a little shopping with money given by Anders. I still have some left. Perhaps I will use it on etsy or thrift store, most likely thrift. Pick up some art supplies and a bottle of Champagne. Not a huge fan of drinking, but I don't mind sipping every now and then

Silver in the night

The yard as of just now around 7:10pm. The Squash is taking over the yard. The grapes are large, lucious looking and still green, but starting to turn purple. The corn is growing, so are the beans. My chamomile is taking off, lavender is standing proudly, rosemary and lemon balm are like..yeah I'm here. The mints are like.."Nah, I'm taking over this place". I also have tomatoes, blueberries, peppers..and something else in here. I already pulled up the potatoes.

Got some birthday money early, so I got two shirts at goodwill, some incense, rose quartz, two stickers..and ate at ali babas.
next week, on my actual birthday (july 15th)..I have a bit more cash to spend.

Painting the tree mural. changed it to blue as the base. Plan to add much more colors, inspiring trippy words and swirls. I heart swirls.

Tomorrow, with some cash, i plan on visiting the local seed place. It's so local it's a less than a mile away. They always have flowers of varying types and fresh local produce. I want to fill up my planters.

I can't believe that in spite of not having anyone to hang around. I am actually smiling right now.

Listening to syrupy dark voices

I think I want to start a tribe/collective
a free spirited true bohemian eclectic artistic collect/tribe. Where money would not be number one, where we learned to live off the land, from scavenged waste and castoffs. where we could work together as a tribe, depending on each other, to grow, to live live to the fullest.

But I think I am the only one who thinks that way, so right now, I am a tribe of one.

that's okay though.
started on a mural in the living room area. A weird, psychedelic tree..thing. Not making plans, just flowing.

nothing much else to say

Lost in the lumincescent sea of green

Maybe I was not the exotic outcast that I imagined, but merely the dim magnification of every human soul.
Old truths and ancient magic, revolution and inventions, all conspire to distract us from the passion that in one way or another defeats us all.
And weary finally of this complexity, we dream of that long-ago time when we sat upon our mother’s knee and each kiss was the perfect consummation of desire. What can we do but reach for the embrace that must now contain both heaven and hell: our doom again and again and again.”  the Vampire Lestat

Listen to your good heart

I should update this more
I know. I keep saying that

went out on June 23, ate dinner at a friends house. got doughnuts and watched the Supermoon for a while in a field of a super expensive private school. That was a refreshing change of pace. No photos since I have no camera, but maybe one day.

I make meals I like to call my Bohemian meals. They are literally just whatever I can find or get for super cheap. I have two small raised bed that I try to grow food in. My potato patch is coming up and I pulled up a few.
My lifestyle revolves around gardening, dollar stores, thift stores and dumpsters. I can't afford much else, with the exception of Sav a lot. So food is creative. Today, I made cheesy potatoes and hot dogs, mixed together. It is quick, cheap and filling.

I have noticed that bohemian now means people who can afford ethnic (or at least looking ethnic) tastes, style, fashion, food. They also have money to spend on brand new items or at least someone willing to buy them what they want after some sob story. Would I want presents now and then? Honestly, sure. But it hasn't happened and I don't think it will. And I'm okay with that. It might make life harder, but life isn't always going to be easy. Besides, I live being creative in all aspects of my life and someone just giving me things all the time would probably not fulfill that for me. I think creatively has led to some amazing things and it would be a sad affair if those amazing moments just stopped.

Sickness in Shadows

I wish I could take a few photos but my camera is on its last legs. I like that about me
I actually like to use things until they go rather than trying to be updated with everything.
I am not a fan of those who do that since it is a waste of time, energy, money and resources to just buy over and over and over. These same people often complain about their lack of funds as well. Oh well, that's is their life.

I suppose the term fair weather friends applies to me. I feel that way. Only friends when either they want something, usually someone to tell them how special they are or need someone to entertain them when everyone else is busy. I seem to fall into the latter, the last resource, the last friend on the list, when all other options are used up. I am used up, at least from their perspective. Too poor to be fun. I can't just up and go and spend money, or go to events or the like. I have a child so that just throws me into the category of unable to have fun or be exciting or worth spending time with, which is laughable. Parents, especially, need time to themselves, time to be adults, time spent with other adults. They really do. But alas, this society deems otherwise, then they ask questions when people do insane horrible things like kill their whole family when they are depressed. Tell someone over and over that all they are allowed to be is just parents is probably not the smartest thing.

I'm in an art block. Well, not really, more like art valley. I have ideals but not the means to do them. I need to extend my hoodie for the cooler weather, paint the wooden floors, build a bookcase, plant rose bushes and dark flowers (maybe next season or grow indoor plants) attempt to do some black and white art....

so long ago

I haven't written in a while.
I haven't had much to say

I feel as if I do, but I don't really know how to say it.
So much is bubbling inside me.
I am confused
Not sure which way to go.
Choices are good, right?

I'm torn, between two opposite worlds
one of nature
one of machine

both are appealing
but which one is true to me?
that's the puzzler.
I have to choose which one is for me, not what others want me to do....

choices..

Vault Of Lune

Look at what I received.
commissioned art from Seraph and Splendor

http://www.facebook.com/blackbaroqueluxuries

Vault of Lune

The Vault of Lune, a very special custom piece for the lovely Lunar Black. Working from her concept sketch the conjuring began… first a velvet coffin and a crescent crowned eye; silver tears and strands of oblivion were soon to follow… next, a set of vintage frames became the final resting place for this cryptic collage… the final detail a tiny winged skull, a guardian from beyond the veil of life…

For pity, you may have a rose

Don't you love the smell after the rain?

Having a garden, seeing the rain droplets over the green, the squishy soft earth, knowing that life is bursting right under your bare toes...I don't know, it's just amazing to me.

Have been sleeping with the windows wide open. I believe it is influencing my dreams. I have dreams of Pan, lately. This Horned God is making his presence known.

Warm day, breezy nights.

Doing art with no money. Reminds of days past when my creativity was at its finest. I couldn't just go to the store and pick up started projects. My art revolved around writing, picking up random bits from the ground, going out and letting nature fill me with her ideals.

I feel better about life.

Streaked with red vines

Part of the living area.

Spent a lot of time walking around. Part of it was a waste of time, spending more time being angry and hated, It's reason like that that make it hard for me to support someone. It also seems like I'm always ask to support something, while we are essentially ignored. Well, can I call that person a friend if the friendship seems one way? Moving past the hurt and pain and evolving into the person I want to be and the people I want to be around.

naked, existentially dejected

another day, another long solitary day.

was awaken at 6:45am...the earliest I believe I have been awaken in a year. Not a good start.

You know, I'm tired of being alone. I want to embrace life fully, but it's hard some days. I feel punished for having a child. No friends, or if I do talk to someone, it's automatically assumed of what I can't do. No invites out, no hanging out. "Oh sorry, you have a kid, so you wouldn't want to hang out, etc" Empty promises, broken promises.

Maybe my son will have it better than I did.

I surely hope so.

Oh well, maybe one day I will be truly smiling, not forcing one.

*goes back to reading*

lips smeared with black lipstick

I am not afraid of the night. In act, I much rather prefer it. Much quieter, more time to think, less busy, less people. I don't know why people believe the night is something to fear.

Crafting again.
Paper Mache

Need to keep cleaning. I want to finish the kitchen, but that has to wait.

Going back to reading

Lethal looking

drawing again

Not one pink sugar drop

Rainy day today. Cold.

Spent yesterday spreading flower seeds, most perennials and Texas wildflowers sent to me. Herbs and vegetables are next. I began herbs inside on the back window sills. I lean towards the do nothing way, allowing nature to work her wondrous magic without my interference. It does work and I get a lovely forest jungle instead of boring, straitlaced grass and fences. I will have third year grapes this year. I have a new grapevine as well, so I do hope to have a good 15 years of grapes from the three different vines. I also have a sprawling strawberry patch, mixed in with various herbs. I cannot wait for the entire front to be covered. It will be magic walking barefoot.

Slowly patching my hoodie with randomly cut fabrics of black, red, some white. 

I plan to half bury some glass wine bottles in the front to place candles in during the spring/summer. I plan to fill each bottle with an array of items, including glass, rocks, beads, anything that will reflect the candle light. Did I mention my neighborhood finds me strange?

I would love to make both an artificial and a real faery ring for the outside.

I still have no ideal what I would like to do with the back fenced in driveway. Any ideals?

Once cheerful wreck of a room

Ah..life.
Been on a better track. Rearranging and deleting. Rid myself of a truckload of my past and current burdens.

Looking forward to spring. Planting a garden and flowers, letting the wild side creep in. I tire of neatly arranged.

Tire of seeing unhappy people doing all they can to keep you in the mud with them. Nothing wrong with being unhappy when it's needed, but no need to force others to not live because you aren't.

As another day comes to an end, I look forward to a blissfully night of activity.

Unasked for

Ever have something happen to you, something pretty cool, maybe even a bit spooky? that feeling you get, maybe a bit of enchantment, a bit of wonder? You might mention it to someone, maybe write it down. Maybe it makes you smile a bit more.

Now, have you experienced someone who decides, whether or not you asked for it, to tell you why it wasn't "magical" or why it happen or tell you why you shouldn't believe in anything mystical, etc.

You know, I really could care less at times. I don't always care about finding the "real" answer. Sometimes, I need a little bit a wonder to get through a tough time, just to make it through another day. I could less how supposedly immature that makes me. So what if you don't believe in anything? Good for you. Do what whatever you want to. But that does not mean YOU get to tell me how I am allow to be. I am NOT in any way hurting you by having some belief in some kind of magic. People complain about how children today have no childhood, no beliefs, so cynical, so angry. Ever think that people who think it's their personal duty to tell anyone and everyone what they are allowed to believe might have something to do with it?

I may not be all like "OO faeries in the garden wooooo" (ok some days I just am).. but there are days when I see a cool shaped cloud or get a email at just the right moment that makes me smile. And you know what? You can't take that away.

12:06am

Another day

Mentally doing alright. I have been cleaning, getting ready for donations, trying to make room in the house
Looking forward to making my bohemian recluse cave a bit more...well..awesome.

I have not had caffeine is over three weeks, which is great. I have not had soda in two day.. any at all. I feel much better now.

Even with the solitude, I believe I have been improving, feeling more hopeful. I look forward to each day without feeling empty.

Writing more, starting crafting again.

Life looks pretty great.

just me

I'm going to make the attempt to combined my two blogs into one.

My other blog was a place for me to vent feeling, be a bit more moody, express raw emotions.
I have decided not to keep the two separate

so I can go from happy to sad, anger to happiness, up and down... all in one place.

this should be fun.

Lights

My staircase and hallway on the second floor are washed in this warming blue glow. I really like it. I need more blue lights to go all around the hall. My living room and dining room turned art studio currently has blue lights and a few reds. at night, it gives off just enough of a cyber feeling. My kitchen, in a perpetual state of never being completely done, has the simplicity of white lights and my bathroom, well I'm working on turning it into a strange enchanting forest theme.

I heart lights on string.

Hello world

I realize I went away for a bit.
I was really in a not okay place.

however..

I'm much better off now. Happier now.
Andrew and I are so much stronger as a couple and as parents. We have accepted that we probably won't have
many friends and that people will always find us awkward, strange, whatever.

And we are just fine with that.

Look forward to more posts from me

-Lunar