Friday, August 31, 2012

Expect Resistance

"I would like to be someone with whom no one would be ashamed of any part of herself. I would like to be able to regard the actions of others without feeling threaten or becoming defensive, even when they are defensive of me-to see others in the context of their lives, not my own. I would like to know how to set the right limits on how far I trust others, so I never risk losing my respect for them
or my ability to trust. I would like to be able to look those adversaries who should be allies in the eyes and say "Like it or not, this is who I am. This is what the world has made of me and we must all live with the consequences. I can't change the decades of life behind that that have wrought this, only take responsibility for what I am and what I do. I don't want to compete with you for moral high ground or anything else. Unless you're prepared to kill everyone who doesn't live up to your standards or else to endure this impasse indefinitely, you're going to have to accept me on my own terms, as I hope to accept you. You are as responsible as I am for making what goes on between us positive for both.... or for the world of strife we will suffer in otherwise"

Wednesday, August 22, 2012


I spend my nights painting now.
It's really my only chance to be alone in a sense. So now I sleep maybe 2-4 hours a night.
takes me back.

Friday, August 17, 2012

No money.. no worries or all worries

I went about 20 years of my life with not much in the way of money. We moved a lot, lived with people, never had much, but I think I turned out okay. I ended up marrying a guy from the upper middle class, but you know how it is when people don't appreciate their child falling in love with someone from the lower class. Needless to say, our first year of marriage was more of what i had growing up. for me, no real issue. I was used to it. For him, it was almost suicidal.

In some ways, for him, it still is. No matter what, the idea of following dreams, even when to get to that dream, one might have to not have as much cash, he won't do it. Even after ten years, he is still afraid of what other people might say, might think about him, what his parents will say.  It's hard for me, watching him talk about his dreams and having no follow thru based on other people opinion. It's hard for me because if I want to follow a desire, and in all honestly, have no problems with sacrificing some things, he will usually end up overriding my desires and think I would be better off if I didn't sacrifice anything. Example. If I don't wish to let say spend money for a bit, so we can save up to do whatever, within a week, or even a few days, he will order out and say "I want you to have it" NO matter how often I say, "I don't want it" it still that ideal that "That can't possible be true. Everybody wants this". I think that is the main division in this marriage. People might think that it's no big deal, but it is. How can my desires or wishes be overrun because someone else is telling me "THat's not what you want. Everyone wants this, so you must want it too". That's not fair to me. IT's not fair to have someone decide for me what is right. I dont' say anything to him about his desires, well for one reason, I know he won't follow through, and second, not my desires to discount.

It's hard also because people always side with him. You would think that a wife who isn't all about spending money, wants to save so he can have more time to follow his dreams, would at least be appreciated. No. I'm hated, almost vilified for it. I would be lying if sometimes I kind of wish I didn't marry him. I know that I don't honestly regret it. I love and care for him deeply. But I'm getting older now. I can't be waiting for someone who is still afraid of offending his parents to prevent me from following my dreams.

Back to the no money thing. I didn't care much about money until I met him. Actually even when we met, started dating, I still didn't care. BUt he kept insisting that this was so important, based on his own upbringing. Ten years of that. Now I'm trying to remove that from me, focus back on writing, on art, on crafting again, being outside, exploring, learning new things. All what I used to do without stressing over money I didn't have. But no matter how often I say no, it's always, "you know you really want this". I'm stuck. I'm stuck in a society that trashes me for not wanting to believe in the god of money. I'm somewhat stuck with people who think I'm some sort of traitor...

I need a breath of fresh air.

Friday, August 3, 2012

Day 3

So far, so good.
I think the first week is always easiest, for me at least. I still have left over and stuff like that. THe second week will be much harder. No soda withdrawls yet, although I'm taking in copious amounts of tea and water, so maybe that helps. I want to continue this for a few months, but I'm taking it week by week.

Started the paper mache bathroom floor. It's still wet. Hopefully will be dry to the touch by the time he gets up. I can add about 3 layers of poly friday, probably 4. I want to have all 12 layers done by tuesday, so I can get started on the smallest bedroom. I want to actually finish each room one by one, so I can see accomplishments.

It's 348am here, so maybe I'll try to get a few hours of sleep. I want to do more on the house in the morning, in between his naps and stuff.