Expansion of my mind
dreams of liberation but also sacrifice
Friday, September 7, 2012
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
girls
Friday, August 31, 2012
Expect Resistance
"I would like to be someone with whom no one
would be ashamed of any part of herself. I would like to be able to
regard the actions of others without feeling threaten or becoming
defensive, even when they are defensive of me-to see others in the
context of their lives, not my own. I would like to know how to set the
right limits on how far I trust others, so I never risk losing my
respect for them
or my ability to trust. I
would like to be able to look those adversaries who should be allies in
the eyes and say "Like it or not, this is who I am. This is what the
world has made of me and we must all live with the consequences. I can't
change the decades of life behind that that have wrought this, only
take responsibility for what I am and what I do. I don't want to compete
with you for moral high ground or anything else. Unless you're prepared
to kill everyone who doesn't live up to your standards or else to
endure this impasse indefinitely, you're going to have to accept me on
my own terms, as I hope to accept you. You are as responsible as I am
for making what goes on between us positive for both.... or for the
world of strife we will suffer in otherwise"
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Nights
It's really my only chance to be alone in a sense. So now I sleep maybe 2-4 hours a night.
takes me back.
Friday, August 17, 2012
No money.. no worries or all worries
I went about 20 years of my life with not much in the way of money. We moved a lot, lived with people, never had much, but I think I turned out okay. I ended up marrying a guy from the upper middle class, but you know how it is when people don't appreciate their child falling in love with someone from the lower class. Needless to say, our first year of marriage was more of what i had growing up. for me, no real issue. I was used to it. For him, it was almost suicidal.
In some ways, for him, it still is. No matter what, the idea of following dreams, even when to get to that dream, one might have to not have as much cash, he won't do it. Even after ten years, he is still afraid of what other people might say, might think about him, what his parents will say. It's hard for me, watching him talk about his dreams and having no follow thru based on other people opinion. It's hard for me because if I want to follow a desire, and in all honestly, have no problems with sacrificing some things, he will usually end up overriding my desires and think I would be better off if I didn't sacrifice anything. Example. If I don't wish to let say spend money for a bit, so we can save up to do whatever, within a week, or even a few days, he will order out and say "I want you to have it" NO matter how often I say, "I don't want it" it still that ideal that "That can't possible be true. Everybody wants this". I think that is the main division in this marriage. People might think that it's no big deal, but it is. How can my desires or wishes be overrun because someone else is telling me "THat's not what you want. Everyone wants this, so you must want it too". That's not fair to me. IT's not fair to have someone decide for me what is right. I dont' say anything to him about his desires, well for one reason, I know he won't follow through, and second, not my desires to discount.
It's hard also because people always side with him. You would think that a wife who isn't all about spending money, wants to save so he can have more time to follow his dreams, would at least be appreciated. No. I'm hated, almost vilified for it. I would be lying if sometimes I kind of wish I didn't marry him. I know that I don't honestly regret it. I love and care for him deeply. But I'm getting older now. I can't be waiting for someone who is still afraid of offending his parents to prevent me from following my dreams.
Back to the no money thing. I didn't care much about money until I met him. Actually even when we met, started dating, I still didn't care. BUt he kept insisting that this was so important, based on his own upbringing. Ten years of that. Now I'm trying to remove that from me, focus back on writing, on art, on crafting again, being outside, exploring, learning new things. All what I used to do without stressing over money I didn't have. But no matter how often I say no, it's always, "you know you really want this". I'm stuck. I'm stuck in a society that trashes me for not wanting to believe in the god of money. I'm somewhat stuck with people who think I'm some sort of traitor...
I need a breath of fresh air.
In some ways, for him, it still is. No matter what, the idea of following dreams, even when to get to that dream, one might have to not have as much cash, he won't do it. Even after ten years, he is still afraid of what other people might say, might think about him, what his parents will say. It's hard for me, watching him talk about his dreams and having no follow thru based on other people opinion. It's hard for me because if I want to follow a desire, and in all honestly, have no problems with sacrificing some things, he will usually end up overriding my desires and think I would be better off if I didn't sacrifice anything. Example. If I don't wish to let say spend money for a bit, so we can save up to do whatever, within a week, or even a few days, he will order out and say "I want you to have it" NO matter how often I say, "I don't want it" it still that ideal that "That can't possible be true. Everybody wants this". I think that is the main division in this marriage. People might think that it's no big deal, but it is. How can my desires or wishes be overrun because someone else is telling me "THat's not what you want. Everyone wants this, so you must want it too". That's not fair to me. IT's not fair to have someone decide for me what is right. I dont' say anything to him about his desires, well for one reason, I know he won't follow through, and second, not my desires to discount.
It's hard also because people always side with him. You would think that a wife who isn't all about spending money, wants to save so he can have more time to follow his dreams, would at least be appreciated. No. I'm hated, almost vilified for it. I would be lying if sometimes I kind of wish I didn't marry him. I know that I don't honestly regret it. I love and care for him deeply. But I'm getting older now. I can't be waiting for someone who is still afraid of offending his parents to prevent me from following my dreams.
Back to the no money thing. I didn't care much about money until I met him. Actually even when we met, started dating, I still didn't care. BUt he kept insisting that this was so important, based on his own upbringing. Ten years of that. Now I'm trying to remove that from me, focus back on writing, on art, on crafting again, being outside, exploring, learning new things. All what I used to do without stressing over money I didn't have. But no matter how often I say no, it's always, "you know you really want this". I'm stuck. I'm stuck in a society that trashes me for not wanting to believe in the god of money. I'm somewhat stuck with people who think I'm some sort of traitor...
I need a breath of fresh air.
Friday, August 3, 2012
Day 3
So far, so good.
I think the first week is always easiest, for me at least. I still have left over and stuff like that. THe second week will be much harder. No soda withdrawls yet, although I'm taking in copious amounts of tea and water, so maybe that helps. I want to continue this for a few months, but I'm taking it week by week.
Started the paper mache bathroom floor. It's still wet. Hopefully will be dry to the touch by the time he gets up. I can add about 3 layers of poly friday, probably 4. I want to have all 12 layers done by tuesday, so I can get started on the smallest bedroom. I want to actually finish each room one by one, so I can see accomplishments.
It's 348am here, so maybe I'll try to get a few hours of sleep. I want to do more on the house in the morning, in between his naps and stuff.
peace
I think the first week is always easiest, for me at least. I still have left over and stuff like that. THe second week will be much harder. No soda withdrawls yet, although I'm taking in copious amounts of tea and water, so maybe that helps. I want to continue this for a few months, but I'm taking it week by week.
Started the paper mache bathroom floor. It's still wet. Hopefully will be dry to the touch by the time he gets up. I can add about 3 layers of poly friday, probably 4. I want to have all 12 layers done by tuesday, so I can get started on the smallest bedroom. I want to actually finish each room one by one, so I can see accomplishments.
It's 348am here, so maybe I'll try to get a few hours of sleep. I want to do more on the house in the morning, in between his naps and stuff.
peace
Friday, July 27, 2012
637am
wanna jump in? I really kind of want to..right now. I need a ballpit in my house. I think I just might do that. I have room. No balls right now, but I can make that work. Just be like "Giant Ball Pit!!!"
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
This is me.. in a nutshell
I make no sense. Who really does? I make mistakes. I admit them. I give people too many chances. I play GTA: Liberty Cities and do nothing but cause havoc. I have a life. You don't. That's why you insist on trying to run mine.
*insert mindless walks at 4am*
I hate TV. I think people who watch TV non stop need to be shot. I don't celebrate most holidays. Holidays are made up by the greeting card companies to stimulate the economy. I take photographs of people like a stalker. I'm not a stalker. I hate stalkers. I run into walls. I spin in circles on the floor. Hot Topic should burn to the ground. I can see your doodle.
* oooo shiny things...*
I hate cliques. I like being uncool. I like being alone 90% of the time. I don't understand people. People confuse me. You talking to me is confusing to me. I don't get people. Andrew confuses me. The world is NOT my oyster. I don't like oysters. I like angels. Angels watch over my house. Faeries are in my bathroom. Fraggles were Muppets on Ecstasy. Everyone loves drugs. Not all drugs are recognized as drugs. TV is a drug. Blood fascinates me. I like blood more than most things. Sharp things are cool. They're shiny. Shiny things keep me captive. The night sky has shiny things. I love insomnia. Sleep takes up too much time.
* sprouts shimmering faery wings and flies away*
Bleee! I hate fashion. Fashion sucks. Followers of fashion should be dragged into the street and shot. Oo RAINBOWS!!! I think originality is dead. Deal with it. Everything has been done. Hair in your eyes was already done by Disney in the movie "Shaggy Dog". That's what you look like. Really. IKEA is uncreative. You're just uncreative spawn with the same decorating scheme. I wrote a story at age four about killer alphabet soup. My heart is still bigger than yours. Andrew brought me a Winkie Guard Barbie doll and a winged monkey. Monkeys can fly. The moon has a funny face. Vampires have sharp teeth. I hate Monopoly. i will kick you in the face.
* points at spot on ground and wonders why no one else can see it*
I have more imaginary friends than you. My barbies talk to each other at night. JTHM doesn't like you either. I'll never grow up. I poke people. I bite hard and leave scars. I rearrange furniture when I'm bored. It takes many licks to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop. I cannot be categorize. Medication doesn't help. Stab you in the EYE! JOLT cola isn't for you. You're a square. I fall down a lot. Mirrors steal your souls and sell them to Wal-mart. Caterpillars really do smoke hookahs. I'm the girl with Kaleidoscope eyes. Life too short to be taken so seriously. My existence keeps the world alive.
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Broken, but Healed
Watercolor I did after that post. I feel much better and woke up with a happy spirit this morning.
Friday, January 13, 2012
Weird (Serious Post)
I had sort of of a emotional break earlier today.
I just needed to release. I think it helped.
The Issue:
After a while, I realize that I'm often alone. People constantly cancel their prearranged time with me, usually making plans with me first and then canceling when something else comes up, citing a reason that usually makes me feel as if, well, I'm not really important on any level in their life. I'm not sure how to feel about that. I understand emergencies (things like that do happen), but being canceled for a TV show, drugs, a phone call, etc, I'm not sure how I feel then. There have been times when someone cancels/not show up and actually have put up photos on their FB of them hanging out with other people on that same night. I suppose they forgot that I was on their friend's list. I don't know if I should laugh or be upset, usually upset. I have friends/family go right past my house to visit other people, being literally 5 minutes down the street, or in a few cases actually call me up for directions to someone's house while lamenting on the phone on how "We never hang out" and then I don't get to hear from them for months at a time. I have people call/text me to help them with problems, house them, work with them through problems, calls past midnights, and so forth. I always wanted to be there for people. My downfall, I suppose. It just, well, seems one sided to me. When we moved in, we did seem to have bribe people to help. I think we spent more cash on feeding and drinking them in 6 hours then we did on the remaining 4 days it took to move. My husband, Redbull (not his real name of course) ended up having to move the rest of the house, reason why it took 4 days. He missed 2 days of work unfortunately, but you know, it got done. Someone asked me why I didn't throw a house warming party. Actually we did. 3 people showed up, stayed less than a hour and left. 2 more showed up after Redbull and I cleaned up and settled in for the night. It was nice since I haven't seen the first 3 people since I moved in. Since getting pregnant, people have avoided me even more. It wouldn't be so bad if people actually asked me how I felt rather than just assume I don't want to be around people. I actually want to be around people. I get tired of being so alone. Probably sound like an angsty teen by now. But, you know, after a while, these things build up inside.
The Effect
Like I said, emotional break. The anger I felt as feeling as if people who see me a friend really didn't see me as anyone other than someone they could use for whatever they wanted. Its okay to use my house a free hotel (staying with me, but saying they were going to hang with their friends, cause I'm not a friend, you know) for example. It's hard for me to say no, I'll admit that. Maybe I should work on that. The hurt feeling that i can't turn to my friends if I need help because 98% of the time they won't respond or are too busy. It's hard to watch these same friends go out of their way for others, offering to spend the night with other friends when they are down, take them out for dessert to talk, even just for a drive to clear their head, documenting these adventures even. Kind of makes me feel as if I absolutely suck at life and not worth devoting time to.
What I'm afraid of:
Becoming so bitter that I hate the world. I want to smile. I want to keep being there for people. It's getting harder though. I know one isn't suppose to be "rewarded". I'm not asking for that. a thank you would be nice or at least some kind of response when I ask for help. Actually, i realize that I'm getting afraid to ask for help because I know it won't come.
So what do I do?
In all honestly, I don't know. Another friend just canceled a get together that was schedule first on Wednesday, then Monday. that's a new one for me, twice in one day. Both times because someone else wanted/needed them after she made plans with me. After the emotional release, I just took it in stride. Should I just accept this as what life will be like? Should I continue to stay friends with these people? Is this going to make me stronger? It's not easy to find new friends. I don't drink, not into drugs, don't have a car and I don't really have a lot of money.
Something else:
I don't get to see my family too often. they think I'm weird. i rarely see my cousins children, even my own nieces and nephew. there are family members that I haven't even met yet (children of cousins usually). They think I'm too weird to expose their children to. I don't understand why I'm weird to them. By society's view, I'm doing pretty good. I've been married for almost 10 years now, been with the same guy for 12, first child, got a house, no police record, no drugs/drinking, things like that. the few times I've seen the children in my family usually come from 'well, no one else can watch them, so i guess you'll do" last minute things, or "Can we borrow X amount of money from you until payday (I don't think I've ever once been repaid and i can honestly say often we give money to people that we really can't spare, but we do it anyways. Another downfall). I don't ask for money from my family, like most of my cousins/siblings do (no, really, they ask for money a lot). I asked only once and was literally laughed at. It was for an educational reason, which I have since kind of given up on (I hope to get it back soon one day). When we got this place, I didn't ask for any help from family. My family goes past my house to visit other members (sounds familiar). I get "teased", but they insist that they don't do it in a mean way. Can't say that it doesn't seem that way. I don't know why I'm so outcasted. I don't want my child to be seen that way.
Writing this all down helps too. I feel like I told someone who wasn't going to immediately hate me for pouring out my heart. I'm gonna read STARGIRL and hopefully feel slightly better about myself.
I just needed to release. I think it helped.
The Issue:
After a while, I realize that I'm often alone. People constantly cancel their prearranged time with me, usually making plans with me first and then canceling when something else comes up, citing a reason that usually makes me feel as if, well, I'm not really important on any level in their life. I'm not sure how to feel about that. I understand emergencies (things like that do happen), but being canceled for a TV show, drugs, a phone call, etc, I'm not sure how I feel then. There have been times when someone cancels/not show up and actually have put up photos on their FB of them hanging out with other people on that same night. I suppose they forgot that I was on their friend's list. I don't know if I should laugh or be upset, usually upset. I have friends/family go right past my house to visit other people, being literally 5 minutes down the street, or in a few cases actually call me up for directions to someone's house while lamenting on the phone on how "We never hang out" and then I don't get to hear from them for months at a time. I have people call/text me to help them with problems, house them, work with them through problems, calls past midnights, and so forth. I always wanted to be there for people. My downfall, I suppose. It just, well, seems one sided to me. When we moved in, we did seem to have bribe people to help. I think we spent more cash on feeding and drinking them in 6 hours then we did on the remaining 4 days it took to move. My husband, Redbull (not his real name of course) ended up having to move the rest of the house, reason why it took 4 days. He missed 2 days of work unfortunately, but you know, it got done. Someone asked me why I didn't throw a house warming party. Actually we did. 3 people showed up, stayed less than a hour and left. 2 more showed up after Redbull and I cleaned up and settled in for the night. It was nice since I haven't seen the first 3 people since I moved in. Since getting pregnant, people have avoided me even more. It wouldn't be so bad if people actually asked me how I felt rather than just assume I don't want to be around people. I actually want to be around people. I get tired of being so alone. Probably sound like an angsty teen by now. But, you know, after a while, these things build up inside.
The Effect
Like I said, emotional break. The anger I felt as feeling as if people who see me a friend really didn't see me as anyone other than someone they could use for whatever they wanted. Its okay to use my house a free hotel (staying with me, but saying they were going to hang with their friends, cause I'm not a friend, you know) for example. It's hard for me to say no, I'll admit that. Maybe I should work on that. The hurt feeling that i can't turn to my friends if I need help because 98% of the time they won't respond or are too busy. It's hard to watch these same friends go out of their way for others, offering to spend the night with other friends when they are down, take them out for dessert to talk, even just for a drive to clear their head, documenting these adventures even. Kind of makes me feel as if I absolutely suck at life and not worth devoting time to.
What I'm afraid of:
Becoming so bitter that I hate the world. I want to smile. I want to keep being there for people. It's getting harder though. I know one isn't suppose to be "rewarded". I'm not asking for that. a thank you would be nice or at least some kind of response when I ask for help. Actually, i realize that I'm getting afraid to ask for help because I know it won't come.
So what do I do?
In all honestly, I don't know. Another friend just canceled a get together that was schedule first on Wednesday, then Monday. that's a new one for me, twice in one day. Both times because someone else wanted/needed them after she made plans with me. After the emotional release, I just took it in stride. Should I just accept this as what life will be like? Should I continue to stay friends with these people? Is this going to make me stronger? It's not easy to find new friends. I don't drink, not into drugs, don't have a car and I don't really have a lot of money.
Something else:
I don't get to see my family too often. they think I'm weird. i rarely see my cousins children, even my own nieces and nephew. there are family members that I haven't even met yet (children of cousins usually). They think I'm too weird to expose their children to. I don't understand why I'm weird to them. By society's view, I'm doing pretty good. I've been married for almost 10 years now, been with the same guy for 12, first child, got a house, no police record, no drugs/drinking, things like that. the few times I've seen the children in my family usually come from 'well, no one else can watch them, so i guess you'll do" last minute things, or "Can we borrow X amount of money from you until payday (I don't think I've ever once been repaid and i can honestly say often we give money to people that we really can't spare, but we do it anyways. Another downfall). I don't ask for money from my family, like most of my cousins/siblings do (no, really, they ask for money a lot). I asked only once and was literally laughed at. It was for an educational reason, which I have since kind of given up on (I hope to get it back soon one day). When we got this place, I didn't ask for any help from family. My family goes past my house to visit other members (sounds familiar). I get "teased", but they insist that they don't do it in a mean way. Can't say that it doesn't seem that way. I don't know why I'm so outcasted. I don't want my child to be seen that way.
Writing this all down helps too. I feel like I told someone who wasn't going to immediately hate me for pouring out my heart. I'm gonna read STARGIRL and hopefully feel slightly better about myself.
Cake
I really want some cake.. so I'll put up this little photo of what I will
assume is strawberry cake. Now I really want cake.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
JOLT
I miss this drink. In a few weeks or so, once the baby is born, I'll be able to have it at least once a month. Ahhhh. JOLT...
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Friday, January 6, 2012
Cleaning
So far, after today, these are all the donations I'm gonna be donating once I find a way to move it out of my house. 8 boxes.. wow.. and I'm still downsizing. I feel pretty cool knowing that someone will be using these things, when I don't use them. I don't want to just have things collecting dust. I think I might take a rest today and continue tomorrow. Good way to start the year, eh?
Thursday, January 5, 2012
2012 goals
Funny word that is.. goal. I know.. but I'll still use it.
let's see
2012
1) Well, since this is the year my baby will be born, goal is to well, start off their life in the best way that I can.
2) Cover one wall in the house with art, no white space.
3) go barefoot completely for 2 straight weeks. I don't think I've done that just yet.
4) Grow at least two plants this years
5) Complete at least 30 activities on the bored/weird list (there are hundreds on the internet. here's one http://www.bored.com/boredthings/)
6) Do 5 chalk drawing
7) Put up handmade stickers everywhere
8) Get at least one stranger to smile a day
9) Have electric free days of fun and excitement
10) Keep living each day to it's fullest.
let's see
2012
1) Well, since this is the year my baby will be born, goal is to well, start off their life in the best way that I can.
2) Cover one wall in the house with art, no white space.
3) go barefoot completely for 2 straight weeks. I don't think I've done that just yet.
4) Grow at least two plants this years
5) Complete at least 30 activities on the bored/weird list (there are hundreds on the internet. here's one http://www.bored.com/boredthings/)
6) Do 5 chalk drawing
7) Put up handmade stickers everywhere
8) Get at least one stranger to smile a day
9) Have electric free days of fun and excitement
10) Keep living each day to it's fullest.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
friendship
Isn't this just so sweet? I miss these days.
edit.. okay.. it's suppose to move and do the friendship thing.. blog isn't showing it right now...sadface..
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