Individual bright or dark glory

Long time no writing. Well, I have been writing, just not on this blog.

I am useless as a friend. No matter how much I try to stay in communication with others, somehow, in some way, I mess up. I have been to my one of my friend's house on numerous occasions, for hours at a time, even overnight, yet this person has been to be home for less than 3 hours total. Even when I lived down the street literally, I was often over there, never at mine. I feel like there is something about me that just makes friendship not work out. Ever since I had a child, it has been even worse. I just feel as if friendship isn't for me and I am learning to be okay with that. I have in a way given up on going out, movie nights with friend, even just walks around town. My immediate family, my husband and son. are probably going to be the only people who won't just walk out, or maybe that won't be true.

I suppose I am doing all I can to learn to just..be alone.

Strangely Enough

The last few weeks have been..up and down, left and right..circles..etc.

Ander's brother came for a week. It was one of those weeks where you just can't wait for it to end. We always were under the belief that his youngest brother was similiar to him, wanting to explore life, wanting to do more than just be the perfect child, following parent's wishes for careers and whatnot.

Not the case at all.

He had interest in leaving home (he is almost 25). He was perfectly fine with following his parent's set path for him except if someone he wanted to impress said something. Then it was different. He also refused to do anything on his own, at all. If you know me at all, you will get that I'm introverted. I'm not huge on just going out all the time. Plus, I like to work my art and writing. With Marius it is hard to just go out since I have to get him ready and pay more attention to keeping him relatively safe. So, brother would get upset at me since I didn't want to go out and ride around and eat at fast food restaurants. Oh didn't mention that. He only wanted to eat at Burger King, Wendys and Dunkin Donuts. See, I cook to save money and calories. And he ate the heaviest things and drank those super thick milkshakes, probably eating close to 800-1300 calories per visit. So, on Sunday, the last full day of his visit, ended up hanging out with Chris, who is just as outspoken as I am, if not more so. He knew about this visit and wanted to meet him. Okay. So, brother wanted to go to the mall. Remember me mentioning how he didn't want to do anything himself? He had ALL week to go to stores and stuff but since Anders works,  (which he let him know before he came) and couldn't go with him, he waited until the last day and try to squeeze all these trips in. Orginal plan was the beach, which we said probably wouldn't work since it was suppose to rain (which is did..in torrents) and besides he decided to sleep until 1pm and then pout because of the rain. Like I said long week. At the mall, he refused to go to the stores because we didn't want to go in them all, as if he can't walk into the store alone. Me trying to contain Marius in a busy place, he would get frustrated that I wasn't moving as fast and then get mad at me for not letting Marius walk on his own. Yeah, exactly. At this small cafe, he wanted a coffee, and I swear the cashier was going to slug him since she was alone and he wanted her to let him taste test all these drinks. I think she should have personally. 20 wasted minutes later..he's got his drink and still complaining. Moving on.. so next stop was game stop, which was one the other side. And then the.."The Mall will be closing in 20 minutes" came on. Here is the funny part. We tell him..run ahead of us so you can get to the store and get what you wanted to get. He starts walking, looking back and stops. I nearly scream at him. "Will you GO ahead? since he seems to NOT get that the mall is closing and the store he wants is just a few feet ahead. I had to say to him three times to go to the store before he finally went. And then he started having some random conversation with the clerk who was trying to get the last few customers what they needed.
Outside,,Chris is talking about going to hometown buffet. Brother wanted to go to Friendlys. Anders, Chris and I aren't big on friendlys. Hometown was less than a mile away and offered more food at the same price. of course brother pouted and sulked, so Chris says, "You had all week to go to friendlys'. It's down the street from where they live" I even told him that he could go to Friendlys  and we would go to hometown, since if we were going to pay $12 or so a person, might as well do a buffet.  So finally we go, in two separate cars to Hometown. After paying $9 a person (coupons!), what did this brother of his do? Act like a spoiled child. He got a plate of food and literally took 2 bites and said "My stomach feels funny" Yes..he wasted a whole plate of food (good food at that) because he had a tantrum. He did that all week actually. He wasted food continuously. He threw away Japanese food a friend ordered, 3/4 of a stromboli,..i HATE food wasters..i really do.
Oh..and the friendlys he wanted to go to so bad? Him and Anders go to the next morning. He ordered their milkshake that is about 1200 calories alone, drinks it all. Orders all this food..and yes..doesn't eat much of it. Like seriously. All that noise and still wasted food and money.

gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

So after that week, things were discussed in the house. Anders has to come to grips that his family isn't what he believed on any level. His middle brother had gotten married that week and his parents pulled out all the stops for them. Why not? They now got their white, middle class daughter in law. While they pretend that they didn't, they said and did whatever they could to keep us apart. We got married at the courthouse, i.e eloped in a sense.

okay....feeling better since I ranted...

moving on
-working on handpainted watercolor tye dye stickers
-handsewen fabric hearts
-painting all the walls in the house
-writing daily
-becoming even more of an eccentric bohemian

Morning in this new world

We laid naked on a golden cloud, painting the trees with metallic watercolors
We floated with glass wings, dipping our rainbow toes into seas of mermaids
We picked flowers of passions, sharing candy coated sugar hugs
We lived forever encased in a swirl, entwining our hearts on the beams of the moon

Magic shadows

He loves to wrap cloth around him. Silk probably feels excellent against his skin. I'm so amazed at how these came out. Nothing fancy. Just a cell phone camera, which I have to use for all my photos now since I don't have a camera.

Once Known as

My living room at morning and at night. Blackout curtains keep out the sunlight, which is good on these sweltering days. The sun is on the other side of house until around noon. It's refreshingly cooler in the house with these curtains. 

Not much else is new. I had my birthday. I didn't get to do much. Did a little shopping with money given by Anders. I still have some left. Perhaps I will use it on etsy or thrift store, most likely thrift. Pick up some art supplies and a bottle of Champagne. Not a huge fan of drinking, but I don't mind sipping every now and then

Silver in the night

The yard as of just now around 7:10pm. The Squash is taking over the yard. The grapes are large, lucious looking and still green, but starting to turn purple. The corn is growing, so are the beans. My chamomile is taking off, lavender is standing proudly, rosemary and lemon balm are like..yeah I'm here. The mints are like.."Nah, I'm taking over this place". I also have tomatoes, blueberries, peppers..and something else in here. I already pulled up the potatoes.

Got some birthday money early, so I got two shirts at goodwill, some incense, rose quartz, two stickers..and ate at ali babas.
next week, on my actual birthday (july 15th)..I have a bit more cash to spend.

Painting the tree mural. changed it to blue as the base. Plan to add much more colors, inspiring trippy words and swirls. I heart swirls.

Tomorrow, with some cash, i plan on visiting the local seed place. It's so local it's a less than a mile away. They always have flowers of varying types and fresh local produce. I want to fill up my planters.

I can't believe that in spite of not having anyone to hang around. I am actually smiling right now.

Listening to syrupy dark voices

I think I want to start a tribe/collective
a free spirited true bohemian eclectic artistic collect/tribe. Where money would not be number one, where we learned to live off the land, from scavenged waste and castoffs. where we could work together as a tribe, depending on each other, to grow, to live live to the fullest.

But I think I am the only one who thinks that way, so right now, I am a tribe of one.

that's okay though.
started on a mural in the living room area. A weird, psychedelic tree..thing. Not making plans, just flowing.

nothing much else to say